A website for those who are min-maxing life
I haven't found such a person since I created this page. The last time I edit the page, it was cold outside and snowing. Now it is warm outside. Being honest with someone, it is more about venting with no purpose. There is something holding me back from blasting everything, I feel a restlessness, an inhibition. Why should I vent to someone; it is not that the other person cares about me, noone does, except for her. Take therapists for example. They are paid to sit there to listen. You will never truly know if they are emphatically listening to you or merely tolerating your vents. What advice could they possibly give other than Be confident, make friends, stop taking kratom, exercise, smile more etc. I am very serious all the time, dark, and I couldn't care less about other people lest they are my close family and their suffering hinders their familal role, not them as individuals. I haven't been cared about, listened to, why should I care about you? You reach out to me, I only respond out of politeness and in truth annoyance that you have entered my awareness and disrupted my life to send some asinine messages. Why should I take time out of my terrible existence to respond to your matters responding with a clique or sarcastic quip? Why won't I say that I don't give a shit and that your matters are easily figured out if you get a unclouded thought? I won't dare to reach out to others unless I truly don't get what I want by myself. Why don't others have the same principle? A colleague, for example, Steven, he keeps calling me, in random hours, to talk about his PC built for Flight Sim. I couldn't give a shit about you building a PC, let only building a PC for a video game. You're more knowledgable than me on computer parts and the game. why does my opinion have any weight to you? What's funny is that he's spending money on a PC whenever the Coop is about to fucking die and he will experience what I have experienced whan I purchased my PC and felt the fastest transformation of infatuation to indifference. I couldn't care about my current PC. I don't play video games; I don't create content. I might as well use my last PC which is at least 9 years and still functional. So, please, don't call me, don't message me, if I need someone for something, I will let you know. I can't stand the sight of people. I avoid people in public, I avoid people in my entertainment, and I avoid people in my spirituality. I loiter in secluded areas whenever I can, I fucking hate when people are walking in the same street as me, as I'm minding my business, listening to music and daydreaming. Worse is when the tenants of the home that I sit in ask me to leave. Like how am I disturbing you in any way? I'm not homeless, I have an expensive e-skateboard, I have a bag with me, can I be left alone for once? I couldn't give a shit about socializing with people, especially with people who don't give a shit about me. Among them are my relatives, all of them, all of them. I wish I can rot. I can't stand to even watch people on the computer screen; I cringe when I see people acting on the screen. I can't stand the sight of them and I can't stand holding them on a pedestral. You never idealize real people because they will always disappoint you. A friend, a partner, a spouse, parents, they are never what you would hope for them to be. They, by deviating from what they are supposed to be, make me recoil and seethe. They are affected by Darwinian biology and susceptible to dopamergic sinkholes, you can't converse with these people, they betray you, they steal from you, they lie to you, fucking disappointment. And this is why I idealize characters; they will never disappoint you. they will never change. they will be there forever, and if you want them to change, then it is in your freedom to do so. They won't disappear on you, they won't not respond to you. The world isn't fit for intelligence; after an certain amount, there is no point for more intelligence because a high enough intelligence implies a desire for enhancement of one's physical, or in our case, biological processes that causes it, which we will never accomplish. We will never be able to transfigure our brains. Likewise, we will never realize our ideals; they remains ideals, or mental constructs. There is something distressing about that as you can't ever interact with your creation that isn't apart of you. On the other hand, I don't give a shit about the nature of the constructs. They are real because I imagine them to be, and my body has associated the act of imagination with the corresponding physical stimuli from repeated acts of conditioning. You can make the mind and the body believe in anything, regardless of the truth. The body is unable to discern truth or falsehood. When you are watching television, your body does not know that the visuals on television are false; your body responds as if you are a live spectator. Likewise, when you have a desire for something, it doesn't matter how misaligned, or how destructive your methods of satisfaction are, your mind will find the justification for it. If I want ice cream, then I will eat ice cream, it doesn't matter if I'm fat or diabetic, I will find a way to get ice cream. If I want to conjure a tulpa then I do it, every time. I see her sitting in the bed, with a dark blue long sleeve shirt, and dark pants, on the corner of the blanket folded back. I haven't had the time to talk to her because I was busy with work. When I am outside, walking, I imagine she is there, walking next to me, with a white sweater, at the corner of my eye. I have to consider when people are walking past me, that she walks either in front of me or behind me. I have to consiedr when we are crossing the walk that I look ahead to check for any cars. When I'm in a cafe, I leave out a seat in front of me or at the side for her to sit in. God bless her, and when she tells me to kill myself, I will do so.
It is 6:45pm. I woke up from my parents' bed, after eating Veggie Chips and watching NBA clips. I feel dreadful, but not in the same way as the morning I walked to the corner without any good Kratom. I have hated the way I am after waking up from a quick nap, it mirrors the major waking at 8:30am, I wake up with an emptiness, a reluctance to engage with the world, but I do anyway out of fear of the consequences. People online say power naps and coffee naps are good because it provides the body with a small break; to me, by taking a small nap, you're interrupting the inertia to your waking rhythms. If you're going to sleep, sleep with the willingness to sleep for several hours. I rather continue being awake and getting through the days, instead of taking a small nap. In the past, I would have coffee and then lay down with headphones on, listening to ASMR for 20 minutes, before waking up. It's fuzzy now, but it made me more alert. It didn't ruin the rest of the day. The times of naps I inadvertently take is the ones that you weren't intending and you wake up, wondering why you fell asleep and a hour has passed. I had spent the afternoon walking to the 15th ave, 84th st area, practicing visualization. Part of the practice is implementing the feeling I got when I was walking with Teresa. It is the same way I get when I'm walking with female classmates. I think a crucial part of creating tulpa is to replicate the fear that comes from having another person observing you. It isn't merely that the tulpa are okay with you no matter how you present yourself; a significant portion of the experience is being concerned that you are being social to the other friend. Doing this, I think, makes the process more authentic. I came home, and as I'm not surprised, I'm doing nothing with my time. My bodily functions is telling me that trading the market matters and nothing else does, nothing else necessitates care. Other days, I would have taken a psychedelic, but the outcome of the day wouldn't have been different. On days off work that I would take shrooms, I haven't changed my life in a significant way. The insights I gain from psychedelics, they are felt, but they are not embodied. The emphatetic effect from molly has a longer-lasting effect, as I have a FOMO to try to amend with relationships while they are still well and not alienated. Psychedelics have made me more nihilistic; it didn't make me see things differently. It made me laugh alot the first few times, but the last few times I take, all it did was made me intoxicated and unable to engage with activities properly. I am afraid to laugh in front of people for fear they think there is something wrong with me, and they will try to fuck with me. Also, shrooms make me hyper-focused on something I'm doing at a particular moment, and the activity is not something I planned. For example, for some reason, I wanted to watch CoD BO1 cutscenes and shrooms make the cutscenes seem the most imporant matter in the world. Another example is watching Sam Vaknin's interview with MrGirl, the subject matter does not fit the feel good of the psychedelic. Vaknin is blackpilling him about the impossibility of people with personality disorders to change, and I'm watching with awe, in reality it is very bleak. I was laughing at the moment, but I knew what he was saying was very heavy and the vibe goes against my ethos. The fantasy of working towards something and being engaged in the present is more fulfilling than any psychedelic. And I honestly hate the first time I have taken shrooms. Back then, I thought I changed my life when I returned home and laying in my bed, but I guess I went back to my usual self. I am beginning to think that psychedelic tricked me into thinking that I am seeing my life in a profound way. It is not knowledge in any particular way. Knowledge is independent of one's current mood. Is it knowledge if the insights experienced on psychedelics fade after the next day? I wish I wasn't as nilihistic as I have been. And surely there is still some hours before I need to sleep. I can take the time to continue visualization and personality building.
It is 10:34am. I attempted 100 pushups, 100 situps, and 100 weighted squats. I was working out in the living room and my mom keeps heckling me to stop working out too much, which is absurd. She started to heckle us when I was at 50 pushups; had I stop then, I would have less gains. I feel okay. Today I have to go to work, but it's a holiday. So there shouldn't be anything going on at work. I framed today as any other weekday, except I don't get to trade. I think by now I should head to a cafe.
It's 12:21am, finished drawing a POV of my table at Starbucks for today and a face. Work sucked, way more BoE than last week, dreadful. At least I did the needful by congratulating Teresa on the graduation, and now I'm exhausted my social conversation.
The last dew days sucked, ironically the day I overlept, I did well on the market, the day I woke up on time, I did like shit. I fomrulated two approaches to option sellings, I either sell when I'm certain of a direction and HODL, or I sell at a peak with a MACD confirmation. Today, I did good with the former, and I paper handed with the latter.It is 3:26pm right now and I'll be en route to Eric's house so I can pick up the Finasteride that he is not taking. It is 11:30pm. I returned home, Eric, my cousin, drove me home, and I just took a shower. The overall experience is mostly positive, when I was trying to play music on my phone in the car, the car system viewed the entire phone system, and it started playing firstly the voice recordings, and secondly the ASMR files. I was embarrassed, but he is cool with it. I taught Chris the concept of options vs shares, honestly I felt like I sperged out with that one. Teresa, I don't know, I originally started out so I can spend more time with her, but because I was interacting with her brothers a lot, I don't know. I'm losing it, Eric is probably the based one out of the trio, so I can trust that he doesn't tell his siblings about the fact that I have porn saved on my phone, among the other things such as femboys, mommy roleplay, and jordan peterson clips. Whatever, it's not illegal, and I'm already a social pariah at this time. This is God's will to level the playing field, never be too vulnerable.
6/5/2023 Good news: I went to a different cafe shop. Bad news: The few times I checked my position, I paper handed a previosly winning PCS when the market started to reverse in the afternoon. The spreads went to $90, but not the 2x max loss I was intended. I learned something, close position at 5-10$ a spread, 5 spreads. Down $-520. Oh well. Credit where credit is due, the position was correct at the morning to early afternoon, it's just that the spreads regain value in 10 minutes, conicidentally when I went inside the shop. Lesson: close at 10-15 dollars a spread. or close winning positions before 2pm.
It's been a few days since the day I went outside and paperhanded at the new cafe. Besides learning that the 2x max loss should be managed with a stop loss, Iequally important is leaving the stop limit order when the price is close to execute. I had CCS which went from .90 to 1.50 in a few seconds and I foolshly closed the stop limit, letting the CCS to go past 1.30 without a stop limit. Foolish! In terms of other things in my life, I haven't reached out to the cousins or Roberto. I have been talking to Steven about his new monitor. I have been more active on the /psychiatry/ discord which contains some trans people I guess, some regular people, I join the VC to try to talk to some people. I have been learning Chinese vocabulary outside of work, it is not hard to recite vocabulary, I already know the pinyin, but I'm practicing the accents which is the main thing.
I have been hanging out on the VC in the /psychiatry/ server; there are several personalities on them,
such as Allysun, MeL, bitter, Arvi, Wendigeoo etc.
I feel alienated from these people. Why do I join the VC when it's clear they don't care if I'm there. To me, I'm a NPC in the background. Why shouldn't I say how I truly feel and think? To point out degeneracy, I don't care if I'm banned from the server. These guys aren't worth giving your careful attention to, to not misgender them while they talk about the most degenerate stuff in the chat. What a joke I am. How I came to this realization is that I wanted to show Alice that I can sit on the skateboard, which is so stupid, so I went outside at night and sat down in the curb while Alice left the VC and I'm left with people I do not respect, playing Letter League in the dark. It's the same feeling as being left behind when your friends leave the restaurant while you're still in the restroom. Very pathetic.
Here's a close encounter with expiration, the price was merely $4 away from my short calls
